1) Wacky Washington
2) Happy Harrison
3) Jolly Jefferson
4) Magical Madison
Congrats to all! (I'm sorry! I wrote MM when I was calculating then miswrote it here first, but it's indeed Madison). This was a close final vote as a mere .25 separated each ranking.
Feel free to post your identities in comments if you want to share, otherwise, it's up to you!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Magical Madison #6
I have a confession to make. I eat food off the floor.
I've done it for just about as long as I can remember. I think it started when I was a kid and my sisters (Kate and Sarah) and I would drop food on the floor and then all lunge for it, screaming "10 second rule!"
We had a competition to see who would eat the grossest thing that had fallen on the floor. I was the oldest of the three of us and always had to outdo my little sisters.
I remember one time I dropped a slice of pepperoni pizza, face down, out in the backyard and I yelled “10 second rule!” and my sisters looked at me in awe when I picked it up and actually ate it, pieces of grass sticking to the cheese and all.
We took it even further than that when we changed it to “10 second rule…from when I saw it!” and began eating food off the floor that we didn’t know when it had been dropped! When that one started out, at least it was usually at home, and we knew it had been dropped by one of us, even if we didn’t know when.
But then it moved beyond that. I once ate a pretzel poolside at our grandmother’s community pool in Florida that had been sitting on the ground for god knows how long. We had no idea who dropped it and my sisters never expected me to eat it. It was a little damp and stale, but I wasn’t sorry I ate it. Each time I did something crazy like that, I earned the respect of my little sisters.
Anyhow, in my family, with our French Socialist roots, it was always “waste not, want not.” We weren’t allowed to leave the dinner table until we finished our dinner and if we didn’t finish it, we were served it the next morning for breakfast and if we didn't eat it then, we got it for lunch, and so on. So we all knew to finish our meals when they were served to us and not to waste a drop.
Even though we grew up poor, my French mother, though she was a Socialist, always told us one day we could have as much money as we wanted. We could work hard and achieve whatever we wanted. She called it the “American dream” and said we could be anything we wanted to, including President of the United States. I thought that was bullshit.
It was no surprise that after my sisters and I all moved away and went off to college and then work, we started out by keeping in touch over things like the “10 second rule.” I would eat something particularly gross in places where no one could see me and then call my little sisters on conference call to tell them about it.
My sisters and I had been extremely close growing up. We had so much more than just the “10 second rule” game. That was just one of the many games we played with together. But in later years, we drifted. We rarely talked.
In fact, one of my sisters had moved to New York City, where I was living, and things had gotten so bad between us that when I saw her on the street one day, I pulled out my cell phone and pretended to be talking on it and walked right past her (a habit I had gotten into whenever I saw people I knew on the street who I didn’t want to talk to). I don’t think she even saw me, or maybe she was doing the same thing I was.
So this one day, when I was at work in the handicap bathroom stall (I always use the handicap stall), I saw a yellow skittle sitting there on the floor. And even though I estranged from my sisters, I had an extremely strong urge to lean over, pick it up and eat it, and then call my sisters to tell them what I’d done.
I didn’t. That was pretty disgusting, even for me. So life went on. And the skittle remained.
A month or so passed and I got engaged to my long-time boyfriend and so badly wanted to call my sisters to tell them, and to ask them to be in the wedding.
So I ate the skittle. I called them, “Kate, Sar, you guys will not believe what I ate today!”
I've done it for just about as long as I can remember. I think it started when I was a kid and my sisters (Kate and Sarah) and I would drop food on the floor and then all lunge for it, screaming "10 second rule!"
We had a competition to see who would eat the grossest thing that had fallen on the floor. I was the oldest of the three of us and always had to outdo my little sisters.
I remember one time I dropped a slice of pepperoni pizza, face down, out in the backyard and I yelled “10 second rule!” and my sisters looked at me in awe when I picked it up and actually ate it, pieces of grass sticking to the cheese and all.
We took it even further than that when we changed it to “10 second rule…from when I saw it!” and began eating food off the floor that we didn’t know when it had been dropped! When that one started out, at least it was usually at home, and we knew it had been dropped by one of us, even if we didn’t know when.
But then it moved beyond that. I once ate a pretzel poolside at our grandmother’s community pool in Florida that had been sitting on the ground for god knows how long. We had no idea who dropped it and my sisters never expected me to eat it. It was a little damp and stale, but I wasn’t sorry I ate it. Each time I did something crazy like that, I earned the respect of my little sisters.
Anyhow, in my family, with our French Socialist roots, it was always “waste not, want not.” We weren’t allowed to leave the dinner table until we finished our dinner and if we didn’t finish it, we were served it the next morning for breakfast and if we didn't eat it then, we got it for lunch, and so on. So we all knew to finish our meals when they were served to us and not to waste a drop.
Even though we grew up poor, my French mother, though she was a Socialist, always told us one day we could have as much money as we wanted. We could work hard and achieve whatever we wanted. She called it the “American dream” and said we could be anything we wanted to, including President of the United States. I thought that was bullshit.
It was no surprise that after my sisters and I all moved away and went off to college and then work, we started out by keeping in touch over things like the “10 second rule.” I would eat something particularly gross in places where no one could see me and then call my little sisters on conference call to tell them about it.
My sisters and I had been extremely close growing up. We had so much more than just the “10 second rule” game. That was just one of the many games we played with together. But in later years, we drifted. We rarely talked.
In fact, one of my sisters had moved to New York City, where I was living, and things had gotten so bad between us that when I saw her on the street one day, I pulled out my cell phone and pretended to be talking on it and walked right past her (a habit I had gotten into whenever I saw people I knew on the street who I didn’t want to talk to). I don’t think she even saw me, or maybe she was doing the same thing I was.
So this one day, when I was at work in the handicap bathroom stall (I always use the handicap stall), I saw a yellow skittle sitting there on the floor. And even though I estranged from my sisters, I had an extremely strong urge to lean over, pick it up and eat it, and then call my sisters to tell them what I’d done.
I didn’t. That was pretty disgusting, even for me. So life went on. And the skittle remained.
A month or so passed and I got engaged to my long-time boyfriend and so badly wanted to call my sisters to tell them, and to ask them to be in the wedding.
So I ate the skittle. I called them, “Kate, Sar, you guys will not believe what I ate today!”
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Happy Harrison #6
She was better than this. And that was the point. She was better than the coffee she drank or the journals she read, she was better than her practice and the patients she saw there, she was better than America and its silly Americans. That was the point, and ironically it was all because she secretly believed in the much touted "American Dream." An intellectual, an academic, a connoisseur, even a healer; whether she liked it or not, once a month on payday she was also a capitalist. Born in Latvia and educated in The Czech Republic and France, she was better here in New York than she had been anywhere else. That was the point.
The Dream wasn't getting Sofija anywhere at the moment, however. Her service was unable to send a car for at least another 45 minutes, the last dozen cabs to pass had had fares, and the city was getting douched as if a monsoon was hitting the island. She wanted to make it to the office early today, but now there was not even a chance of being less than an hour late. She fumbled to hold her umbrella while she extracted her blackberry from her purse. The office was open and her first session was supposed to start in 30 minutes. And there were already messages. One of the office assistants droning through a pointless morning report: "Hi, it's me. Do you know when Dr. Maguire will be here because Stephanie's not here yet and she didn't finish showing me how to login to that new thingy with the insurance system and your first patient in really really early it's that weird guy Tim who's always early remember and he's here now and it's really creeping me out you know so when do you get here? Oh no, did this thing beep yet? Hi, it's me!"
Sofija was reluctant to miss her session with Tim. If she allowed herself a favorite patient, it would have been him. She didn't necessarily understand him or even like him, but she found him fascinating. Tim was a tiny yet overweight man in his early fifties who reminded her of Milton from Office Space. He was always early, always paced around the outer office, and was always red in the face. He lived with his mother and collected all manner of candy wrappers. By the thousands. The facet of his personality that most intrigued Sofija, though, was that every single time she saw him, for at least a few minutes, they had to talk about the skittle on the bathroom floor where he worked. Most of the time, it was a brief conversation, but it could get pretty lengthy especially when Tim wanted to list the pros and cons of actually breaking down and eating that oh-so-tempting morsel. In ten months he had never succumbed. She wondered how long this would go on.
Suddenly she dropped her purse. It bounced over the curb and into inches and inches of water rushing down the street. Sofija hurriedly scooped it up from the street but it too late. The entire bag and its contents were soaked and now it weighed twice as much. Fuck this. She ran back into her building.
The concierge was beautiful blond woman named Melinda. She likely could have modeled ten years ago if she had any work ethic to speak of. Every time Sofija passed through the lobby, this woman refused to make eye contact. She just gabbed away on her cell phone, looking every which way except at the patrons she was supposed to mind. She even refused to sign for packages when they came. Sofija wondered how Melinda stayed employed and she was positive there was no one on the other end of those phone conversations. She knew the type well. Some of her own patients even admitted to her that they, too, faked phone calls in order to avoid public contact. She doubted any of them were as narcissistic as this useless bitch, though. As she passed back through the lobby this time, she took a good long stare at Melinda and noted with impish glee the crows feet forming and the tiny wrinkles across the bridge of Melinda's nose. You may tell the boys you're 29, Honey, but I'm putting my money on 42.
Right as Sofija was getting off the elevator on her floor, her blackberry chimed with the arrival of another new voicemail message. Sighing, she listened to it. "Hi, it's me again! Listen, Dr. Maguire is here now and that's great but he says he doesn't know anything about any of the computers here and I think he's lying but anyway Stephanie's still not here I hope she doesn't call out sick after I covered for her all those weekends last month but anyway I guess you can show me how to login when you get here when did you say that was again? Yeah, and that Tim guy is being really weird today he keeps telling me that 'he did it, he did it' and he wants to celebrate with you or something is it your birthday today because you really should have told me although I thought we just celebrated that in December ..."
When she got into her aparment, she changed into dry slacks and shoes before grabbing the two-pound bag of skittles she had been saving for this occassion and shoving it into a new dry purse.
The Dream wasn't getting Sofija anywhere at the moment, however. Her service was unable to send a car for at least another 45 minutes, the last dozen cabs to pass had had fares, and the city was getting douched as if a monsoon was hitting the island. She wanted to make it to the office early today, but now there was not even a chance of being less than an hour late. She fumbled to hold her umbrella while she extracted her blackberry from her purse. The office was open and her first session was supposed to start in 30 minutes. And there were already messages. One of the office assistants droning through a pointless morning report: "Hi, it's me. Do you know when Dr. Maguire will be here because Stephanie's not here yet and she didn't finish showing me how to login to that new thingy with the insurance system and your first patient in really really early it's that weird guy Tim who's always early remember and he's here now and it's really creeping me out you know so when do you get here? Oh no, did this thing beep yet? Hi, it's me!"
Sofija was reluctant to miss her session with Tim. If she allowed herself a favorite patient, it would have been him. She didn't necessarily understand him or even like him, but she found him fascinating. Tim was a tiny yet overweight man in his early fifties who reminded her of Milton from Office Space. He was always early, always paced around the outer office, and was always red in the face. He lived with his mother and collected all manner of candy wrappers. By the thousands. The facet of his personality that most intrigued Sofija, though, was that every single time she saw him, for at least a few minutes, they had to talk about the skittle on the bathroom floor where he worked. Most of the time, it was a brief conversation, but it could get pretty lengthy especially when Tim wanted to list the pros and cons of actually breaking down and eating that oh-so-tempting morsel. In ten months he had never succumbed. She wondered how long this would go on.
Suddenly she dropped her purse. It bounced over the curb and into inches and inches of water rushing down the street. Sofija hurriedly scooped it up from the street but it too late. The entire bag and its contents were soaked and now it weighed twice as much. Fuck this. She ran back into her building.
The concierge was beautiful blond woman named Melinda. She likely could have modeled ten years ago if she had any work ethic to speak of. Every time Sofija passed through the lobby, this woman refused to make eye contact. She just gabbed away on her cell phone, looking every which way except at the patrons she was supposed to mind. She even refused to sign for packages when they came. Sofija wondered how Melinda stayed employed and she was positive there was no one on the other end of those phone conversations. She knew the type well. Some of her own patients even admitted to her that they, too, faked phone calls in order to avoid public contact. She doubted any of them were as narcissistic as this useless bitch, though. As she passed back through the lobby this time, she took a good long stare at Melinda and noted with impish glee the crows feet forming and the tiny wrinkles across the bridge of Melinda's nose. You may tell the boys you're 29, Honey, but I'm putting my money on 42.
Right as Sofija was getting off the elevator on her floor, her blackberry chimed with the arrival of another new voicemail message. Sighing, she listened to it. "Hi, it's me again! Listen, Dr. Maguire is here now and that's great but he says he doesn't know anything about any of the computers here and I think he's lying but anyway Stephanie's still not here I hope she doesn't call out sick after I covered for her all those weekends last month but anyway I guess you can show me how to login when you get here when did you say that was again? Yeah, and that Tim guy is being really weird today he keeps telling me that 'he did it, he did it' and he wants to celebrate with you or something is it your birthday today because you really should have told me although I thought we just celebrated that in December ..."
When she got into her aparment, she changed into dry slacks and shoes before grabbing the two-pound bag of skittles she had been saving for this occassion and shoving it into a new dry purse.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Jolly Jefferson #6
June 1, 2007
I’m sitting on the plane, waiting to go to
My friends all think I’m nuts. They say the Americans are all decadent pigs and that I will become obese and opposed to taxes. Of course I laughed along and pretended to agree. But deep down, I smiled to myself. I was so excited to be getting this promotion. The company is showing a lot of faith in me.
Sure, I have heard that women only make 75 cents on the dollar in the
The flight attendant says it’s time to put you away, diary, so I’ll write more when I arrive.
August 8, 2007
I’ve met a man! Luke is fabulous. He treats me well, takes me to all the best places and my God the sex! I’d write details but I understand they may be illegal in 37 states. More details to follow, but Luke’s on his way over to pick me up.
October 12, 2007
I noticed the strangest thing at work last week. On the floor of the third floor women’s room is a small yellow candy. I believe it’s called a Skittle. It’s been there for a week. I don’t know why the cleaning crew hasn’t cleaned it up, but despite being in there every night, the Skittle remains.
The truly odd thing is, every time I go to use the bathroom, I think about picking it up and eating it. It clearly has some magical clean-up avoidance power. Maybe it’s there for me and me alone.
Maybe I’m having these weird thoughts because things haven’t been going well with Luke. We’re fighting more and more, and while the make-up sex is still fantastic, it seems to be the bulk of what we’re having. And that’s no way to have a relationship.
December 1, 2007
I think my friends are right. I’m becoming more withdrawn. I don’t want to talk to people any more. I don’t go out unless I have to. I’ve been ducking phone calls from friends back home. And when I see someone coming over to talk to me, I grab my cell and pretend to be speaking to someone. Even with Luke. Especially with Luke.
The Skittle is still there on the bathroom floor. It’s been two and a half months and still it sits there, as if mocking me. Each day I get closer to picking it up and eating it.
March 21, 2008
So much for the American dream. I’ve been here nine months and nothing is going my way. The fling with Luke ended last month, I’ve just been too scared to write it down here, as if writing it down makes it more real. Honestly, it had been over for weeks. We just let it run on inertia, finding various excuses not to see each other.
Finally, he convinced me to go out for drinks. It may have had something to do with the fact that when I saw him and pretended to be on the phone, the thing rang in my hand. I was so mortified. I agreed to drinks and we ended it.
I can’t wait for the next three months to pass. I just want to go home. I want to see my friends again. I want to forget about Luke.
That damned Skittle is still there. I like to pretend its something else. Some magic pill that I can take and forget about everything that’s happened here. Like in
The only thing that keeps me from popping it in my mouth is the fact it’s been sitting next to a toilet for six months and while I want to forget all this, I don’t have a death wish.
May 30, 2008
I’m sitting on the plane again, ready to go home. I’m a changed woman. But things are better than they were two months ago. I got over Luke, got back into work. Started talking to my friends again, in eager anticipation of my inevitable return.
The strangest thing happened yesterday. I was packing up my office and I headed to the third floor bathroom. I’d brought a rubber glove I used to clean in my apartment and a little plastic baggie. I planned to grab that Skittle and bring it with me. It had gone through a lot, and so had I. I’m sure it had been pissed on and lord knows I felt like I had. But somehow, we’d managed to endure together.
I wanted the Skittle as a symbol of my year in
But when I went to pick it up, it was gone!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Wacky Washington #6
I was having an ordinary day, at first.
Work was completely boring, as usual. I know, how banal a comment is that? However, I’m entitled. It’s just a part-time gig to help pay for school. My future career goal isn’t to stay in McDonald’s forever. Who would want that?
Customers were in a hurry, as usual, and ordered the same bullshit to eat, as usual. I leaned on the counter, my chin on my hand.
“Can I take your order, please?” I repeated like a good capitalist drone. I was entirely sick of it. I almost leapt to volunteer to restock the shelves when my manager asked.
Being in the back by myself was a relief. No whiny kids, or lazy parents, or fat people asking for another free refill. Sure, I had to haul boxes and stack them on shelves until my arms hurt, but that was better than putting up with all that crap.
I had to take a leak, so I headed to the bathroom. There was a yellow Skittle lying on the floor by the toilet. At least, it looked like a Skittle. I had this compunction to pick it up.
I know that probably sounds gross to you. But I’ve been reared since birth to not waste food. My friends all know that if they can’t finish a meal at a restaurant, they can give it to me. I seem to have a hollow leg, and burn food fast. My girlfriend always comments on how much body heat I give off, so I have this theory that I burn my calories that way. Nothing else explains why I weigh only one-seventy, yet eat more than my two-hundred-fifty pound brother.
So I’m all OCD, staring at this Skittle on the floor, thinking I should eat it. Off the bathroom floor. I grossed myself out. And, because it was by the toilet, I didn’t even want to pick it up. What if someone hit it with pee splashback? Gross!
(I’ve also got this thing about keeping things clean. I have to wipe off counters, fix crooked pictures, and I vacuum like three times a day.)
I went back to restocking shelves, and the Skittle kept running through my thoughts. How on earth would someone lose one of those in the bathroom? Why couldn’t they have the common courtesy to clean it up? Why the hell did I still want to eat it?
I grabbed dinner before the end of my shift, enjoying a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, and a Coke. Then I had to pee again. That stupid Skittle was still there, and it was like three hours since I’d been in there last. I don’t even like yellow Skittles. I prefer red ones, or orange.
But I ate it.
Look, don’t judge me. I can’t help the way my twisted mind works. It goes in circles sometimes, stuck on random shit like Skittles on the floor, fingerprints on walls, or if my sideburns are even or not. It’s messed up. The only way to stop thinking about the Skittle was to eat it.
Turns out, it wasn’t a Skittle at all.
It tasted funny in my mouth, kind of acrid and pasty. I smacked my tongue around in my mouth a couple times and spit in the sink.
“Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea,” I said. I stared in the mirror, and I swear to God, I saw my eyelids dilate and then shrink back up, only not at the same time. One eye would widen to almost black, while the other tightened to a pinprick, and then they alternated in a weird rhythm. I shook my head and left the bathroom.
Luckily, my shift was over, so I headed home. I was going to grab a quick shower and change my clothes before heading over to my girlfriend’s place. Her cousins from Germany were visiting, and they were having a big family reunion barbecue. I couldn’t get out of work, but I could at least put in an appearance.
I brushed my teeth furiously once I got home, trying to remove the memory of that weird flavour. I drank a bottle of water and then jumped in the shower. I scrubbed furiously, running my tongue under the water, spitting and smacking my lips. I didn’t want to think about whatever that non-Skittle had been.
I got dressed and drove over to Molly’s house. You could hear the noisy party in the backyard. Her relatives were all pretty much social people, and loved to drink and eat and just have a good time. I’ve always enjoyed their family get-togethers. I could smell hot dogs and hamburgers and chicken.
I went into the backyard, waving at some uncles and cousins I recognized. I found Molly up on the deck by the pool.
“Oh, good, you’re here!” She kissed me and pulled me by the hand. “I was just talking about you. I want you to meet my cousin Petra, I haven’t seen her since I was twelve but we’ve been pen pals my whole life.”
Molly dragged me over towards the patio furniture. A tall blonde girl stood up. She looked like a model, tall and thin and blonde. She smiled.
“Petra, this is my boyfriend Steve, the guy I’ve been writing to you about,” Molly told her, still holding my hand.
“You write about me?” I said.
“I love you,” I heard, but Molly’s mouth didn’t move. She just smiled at me and said, “Of course, silly! Why wouldn’t I?”
I blinked and stared at her. “Pardon? What was that?”
“Of course I write letters about you.”
“No, before that. What did you say?”
“I didn’t say anything.” Molly stared back at me. “Are you okay?”
“Sorry, long day at work. I’m being rude,” I turned to her cousin and shook hands, letting go of Molly’s to do so. “Nice to meet you, Petra.”
“Nice to meet you, Steve,” Petra smiled back. Her voice was accented, but she spoke English very well. As our hands touch, I thought I heard “Gudentag.”
“Is that German for hello?” I asked.
“Excuse me?”
“Gudentag. That’s ‘hello,’ right?”
“Yes. Well, more accurately, ‘good day.’ And it is almost night-time now.”
“Petra speaks five languages,” Molly chimed in.
“Oh, really?”
“Yes. I hope to be an interpreter some day.”
“Like at the U.N.” Molly added. “Petra’s very interested in politics. She’s a Communist.”
“Really? I didn’t think there were any of those, anymore.”
“I’m not exactly a Communist. I studied socialism at school, and I’m interested in some leftist movements, but more as an academic.” She smiled.
“Brains and beauty, she got the good genes in the family,” Molly giggled. “I was telling Petra that, after the party, we’d take her out to some night clubs, see some of our friends. That cool?”
“Sounds great.” I shrugged.
We took a cab downtown. Somehow I ended up with the middle seat, between both girls. It was a hot summer evening, and I was wearing shorts. Both Molly and Petra had short skirts. Occasionally one or the other would accidentally brush her leg against mine. And I kept hearing things.
“It’s so beautiful here.”
“Steve’s acting funny.”
“I wonder what kind of music they’ll play?”
“Should be a fun night…”
But no one was talking. I wondered if I was going crazy.
The cabbie let us off on the corner we wanted, and we walked down the street to Molly’s favourite club, The Wax. People were already lining up outside. We got in line. Molly and Petra both linked arms with me, as if I was their escort or something.
“I would love to live in this country. My friends back home would be shocked, but I’d much rather take that modeling contract and be famous, than go back to school.”
“What modeling contract?” I asked Petra.
“Pardon?” She said, surprised. “Who told you about that?”
At that moment, Molly let go of my arm and started waving at someone.
“Hey, Cheryl! Hello!”
I looked down the sidewalk and saw our friend Cheryl. She waved absently at us, holding up a finger. She got out a cell phone and started talking on it, continuing to walk by.
“Crap, I needed to ask her about something,” Molly pouted. “She hasn’t returned any of my calls this week.”
“I’ll go get her,” I said. I hurried off down the sidewalk and grabbed Cheryl by the elbow.
“I sooooo don’t want to talk to them, I hope they just leave me alone…” I heard her say. But by then Cheryl was looking at me in surprise, and her mouth wasn’t moving.
“Steve?”
“Never mind,” I said. We were only a few feet from Molly, who had jogged to catch up. I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and dialed Cheryl’s number. Her phone started to ring in her hand.
“Bitch!” Molly said. “Ignore me, will you?”
“What the hell was that Skittle?” I said.
Work was completely boring, as usual. I know, how banal a comment is that? However, I’m entitled. It’s just a part-time gig to help pay for school. My future career goal isn’t to stay in McDonald’s forever. Who would want that?
Customers were in a hurry, as usual, and ordered the same bullshit to eat, as usual. I leaned on the counter, my chin on my hand.
“Can I take your order, please?” I repeated like a good capitalist drone. I was entirely sick of it. I almost leapt to volunteer to restock the shelves when my manager asked.
Being in the back by myself was a relief. No whiny kids, or lazy parents, or fat people asking for another free refill. Sure, I had to haul boxes and stack them on shelves until my arms hurt, but that was better than putting up with all that crap.
I had to take a leak, so I headed to the bathroom. There was a yellow Skittle lying on the floor by the toilet. At least, it looked like a Skittle. I had this compunction to pick it up.
I know that probably sounds gross to you. But I’ve been reared since birth to not waste food. My friends all know that if they can’t finish a meal at a restaurant, they can give it to me. I seem to have a hollow leg, and burn food fast. My girlfriend always comments on how much body heat I give off, so I have this theory that I burn my calories that way. Nothing else explains why I weigh only one-seventy, yet eat more than my two-hundred-fifty pound brother.
So I’m all OCD, staring at this Skittle on the floor, thinking I should eat it. Off the bathroom floor. I grossed myself out. And, because it was by the toilet, I didn’t even want to pick it up. What if someone hit it with pee splashback? Gross!
(I’ve also got this thing about keeping things clean. I have to wipe off counters, fix crooked pictures, and I vacuum like three times a day.)
I went back to restocking shelves, and the Skittle kept running through my thoughts. How on earth would someone lose one of those in the bathroom? Why couldn’t they have the common courtesy to clean it up? Why the hell did I still want to eat it?
I grabbed dinner before the end of my shift, enjoying a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, and a Coke. Then I had to pee again. That stupid Skittle was still there, and it was like three hours since I’d been in there last. I don’t even like yellow Skittles. I prefer red ones, or orange.
But I ate it.
Look, don’t judge me. I can’t help the way my twisted mind works. It goes in circles sometimes, stuck on random shit like Skittles on the floor, fingerprints on walls, or if my sideburns are even or not. It’s messed up. The only way to stop thinking about the Skittle was to eat it.
Turns out, it wasn’t a Skittle at all.
It tasted funny in my mouth, kind of acrid and pasty. I smacked my tongue around in my mouth a couple times and spit in the sink.
“Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea,” I said. I stared in the mirror, and I swear to God, I saw my eyelids dilate and then shrink back up, only not at the same time. One eye would widen to almost black, while the other tightened to a pinprick, and then they alternated in a weird rhythm. I shook my head and left the bathroom.
Luckily, my shift was over, so I headed home. I was going to grab a quick shower and change my clothes before heading over to my girlfriend’s place. Her cousins from Germany were visiting, and they were having a big family reunion barbecue. I couldn’t get out of work, but I could at least put in an appearance.
I brushed my teeth furiously once I got home, trying to remove the memory of that weird flavour. I drank a bottle of water and then jumped in the shower. I scrubbed furiously, running my tongue under the water, spitting and smacking my lips. I didn’t want to think about whatever that non-Skittle had been.
I got dressed and drove over to Molly’s house. You could hear the noisy party in the backyard. Her relatives were all pretty much social people, and loved to drink and eat and just have a good time. I’ve always enjoyed their family get-togethers. I could smell hot dogs and hamburgers and chicken.
I went into the backyard, waving at some uncles and cousins I recognized. I found Molly up on the deck by the pool.
“Oh, good, you’re here!” She kissed me and pulled me by the hand. “I was just talking about you. I want you to meet my cousin Petra, I haven’t seen her since I was twelve but we’ve been pen pals my whole life.”
Molly dragged me over towards the patio furniture. A tall blonde girl stood up. She looked like a model, tall and thin and blonde. She smiled.
“Petra, this is my boyfriend Steve, the guy I’ve been writing to you about,” Molly told her, still holding my hand.
“You write about me?” I said.
“I love you,” I heard, but Molly’s mouth didn’t move. She just smiled at me and said, “Of course, silly! Why wouldn’t I?”
I blinked and stared at her. “Pardon? What was that?”
“Of course I write letters about you.”
“No, before that. What did you say?”
“I didn’t say anything.” Molly stared back at me. “Are you okay?”
“Sorry, long day at work. I’m being rude,” I turned to her cousin and shook hands, letting go of Molly’s to do so. “Nice to meet you, Petra.”
“Nice to meet you, Steve,” Petra smiled back. Her voice was accented, but she spoke English very well. As our hands touch, I thought I heard “Gudentag.”
“Is that German for hello?” I asked.
“Excuse me?”
“Gudentag. That’s ‘hello,’ right?”
“Yes. Well, more accurately, ‘good day.’ And it is almost night-time now.”
“Petra speaks five languages,” Molly chimed in.
“Oh, really?”
“Yes. I hope to be an interpreter some day.”
“Like at the U.N.” Molly added. “Petra’s very interested in politics. She’s a Communist.”
“Really? I didn’t think there were any of those, anymore.”
“I’m not exactly a Communist. I studied socialism at school, and I’m interested in some leftist movements, but more as an academic.” She smiled.
“Brains and beauty, she got the good genes in the family,” Molly giggled. “I was telling Petra that, after the party, we’d take her out to some night clubs, see some of our friends. That cool?”
“Sounds great.” I shrugged.
We took a cab downtown. Somehow I ended up with the middle seat, between both girls. It was a hot summer evening, and I was wearing shorts. Both Molly and Petra had short skirts. Occasionally one or the other would accidentally brush her leg against mine. And I kept hearing things.
“It’s so beautiful here.”
“Steve’s acting funny.”
“I wonder what kind of music they’ll play?”
“Should be a fun night…”
But no one was talking. I wondered if I was going crazy.
The cabbie let us off on the corner we wanted, and we walked down the street to Molly’s favourite club, The Wax. People were already lining up outside. We got in line. Molly and Petra both linked arms with me, as if I was their escort or something.
“I would love to live in this country. My friends back home would be shocked, but I’d much rather take that modeling contract and be famous, than go back to school.”
“What modeling contract?” I asked Petra.
“Pardon?” She said, surprised. “Who told you about that?”
At that moment, Molly let go of my arm and started waving at someone.
“Hey, Cheryl! Hello!”
I looked down the sidewalk and saw our friend Cheryl. She waved absently at us, holding up a finger. She got out a cell phone and started talking on it, continuing to walk by.
“Crap, I needed to ask her about something,” Molly pouted. “She hasn’t returned any of my calls this week.”
“I’ll go get her,” I said. I hurried off down the sidewalk and grabbed Cheryl by the elbow.
“I sooooo don’t want to talk to them, I hope they just leave me alone…” I heard her say. But by then Cheryl was looking at me in surprise, and her mouth wasn’t moving.
“Steve?”
“Never mind,” I said. We were only a few feet from Molly, who had jogged to catch up. I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and dialed Cheryl’s number. Her phone started to ring in her hand.
“Bitch!” Molly said. “Ignore me, will you?”
“What the hell was that Skittle?” I said.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Results of Vote #5/TKO #6
Loud Lincoln
Joyous Johnson
received the most votes this week, which means they were removed from the game. The remaining five players have survived to the last week!
TKO #6
In 1500 words or less, write a story or scene that includes the people as characters who created these postsecret cards. You may explain why each wrote them, write their stories, etc. They may be separate scenes or combined. The only limitation I intend this prompt to put on you is you must in someway referencing the creators of the three cards. I will check the word limit too!
Post due at noon on Sunday. Nobody will be eliminated as a result of this vote. The remaining five players will be ranked and there will be one more week after this (and the rankings will be added together).
Click on the postcards to view the larger size.
Joyous Johnson
received the most votes this week, which means they were removed from the game. The remaining five players have survived to the last week!
TKO #6
In 1500 words or less, write a story or scene that includes the people as characters who created these postsecret cards. You may explain why each wrote them, write their stories, etc. They may be separate scenes or combined. The only limitation I intend this prompt to put on you is you must in someway referencing the creators of the three cards. I will check the word limit too!
Post due at noon on Sunday. Nobody will be eliminated as a result of this vote. The remaining five players will be ranked and there will be one more week after this (and the rankings will be added together).
Click on the postcards to view the larger size.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Joyous Johnson #5
She sighed as she walked toward the door. A psychic? Really? She hadn’t told anyone where she was going – she told her boss it was a doctor’s appointment, she told her friends it was a lunch date – but, really, no one could have mocked her nearly so much as she was inwardly mocking herself at the moment. What was she doing?
She paused momentarily but eventually decided to steel herself and knock on the door.
An old man with kind eyes answered, “Yes?”
She looked at him. “I’m here . . . I have an appointment?” She ended what should have been a declaration with a question. Amazing. Not only was she seeing a psychic, but in a matter of minutes, she had gone to someone with a graduate education to some sort of a Valley Girl.
He looked at her. “Why?”
“Well . . . it’s just . . . I need to know what’s going to happen.”
“Why would you want to know a thing like that?”
“There’s this weight. Well, no, not a weight. More of a constant preoccupation. I’m tired of waiting for my life to start, so I’ve started to convince myself that it’s ending instead. I’m convinced that every day is my last, that every moment is just one step closer to a gloomy and impending doom. I can’t sleep. I don’t eat. Every minor ache and pain convinces me that, somehow, I have a mysterious illness that I just haven’t discovered yet. I just . . . I need to know what’s going to happen so that I can stop worrying constantly.” She looked at him, expectantly. The eyes she had moments before seen as kind now just looked bored. He looked disappointed in her, as if he was expecting some sort of a better reason.
She was confused. He started to close the door. “Wait, no, don’t do that,” she pleaded with more desperation in her voice than before. “You don’t understand. I’ve gotta know. The only way that I can remotely enjoy the present is to know that there’s a future, and know that there’s some good there – that it’s not just a bleak road to impending death. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t, I really, really, can’t. I’ve always been impatient, and I know that. I know that you have to work some in life before you really get to live, but what if that’s it? What if we’re all just working, putting living off another day, until someone takes that other day away? What if I never get to do all the things I’m planning for? What if life is really just working my crappy job, telling myself that I don’t even have time to date, and doting on my cats? Is this it? Am I ever going to find someone? Am I ever going to see the world? Am I going to do something so that the world will be a better place than it was when I found it?” She took a breath. “Look. I don’t care if you believe me, or if you want to help me, or if you think I’m crazy. Just tell me, ok? Tell me so that I can get back to everything and forget that I was ever here.”
He looked her in the eyes as if he was trying to call her bluff. Finally, after what seemed like years of silence, he quietly said, “Look, if you calm down, you’ll be happy. If you don’t, you won’t. So go home, calm down, and enjoy it. If you don’t stop to do that, life will never be more than a journey toward death.” With that, he closed the door, and she was left as she began, standing lonely and confused on a front porch off the side of the highway.
She paused momentarily but eventually decided to steel herself and knock on the door.
An old man with kind eyes answered, “Yes?”
She looked at him. “I’m here . . . I have an appointment?” She ended what should have been a declaration with a question. Amazing. Not only was she seeing a psychic, but in a matter of minutes, she had gone to someone with a graduate education to some sort of a Valley Girl.
He looked at her. “Why?”
“Well . . . it’s just . . . I need to know what’s going to happen.”
“Why would you want to know a thing like that?”
“There’s this weight. Well, no, not a weight. More of a constant preoccupation. I’m tired of waiting for my life to start, so I’ve started to convince myself that it’s ending instead. I’m convinced that every day is my last, that every moment is just one step closer to a gloomy and impending doom. I can’t sleep. I don’t eat. Every minor ache and pain convinces me that, somehow, I have a mysterious illness that I just haven’t discovered yet. I just . . . I need to know what’s going to happen so that I can stop worrying constantly.” She looked at him, expectantly. The eyes she had moments before seen as kind now just looked bored. He looked disappointed in her, as if he was expecting some sort of a better reason.
She was confused. He started to close the door. “Wait, no, don’t do that,” she pleaded with more desperation in her voice than before. “You don’t understand. I’ve gotta know. The only way that I can remotely enjoy the present is to know that there’s a future, and know that there’s some good there – that it’s not just a bleak road to impending death. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t, I really, really, can’t. I’ve always been impatient, and I know that. I know that you have to work some in life before you really get to live, but what if that’s it? What if we’re all just working, putting living off another day, until someone takes that other day away? What if I never get to do all the things I’m planning for? What if life is really just working my crappy job, telling myself that I don’t even have time to date, and doting on my cats? Is this it? Am I ever going to find someone? Am I ever going to see the world? Am I going to do something so that the world will be a better place than it was when I found it?” She took a breath. “Look. I don’t care if you believe me, or if you want to help me, or if you think I’m crazy. Just tell me, ok? Tell me so that I can get back to everything and forget that I was ever here.”
He looked her in the eyes as if he was trying to call her bluff. Finally, after what seemed like years of silence, he quietly said, “Look, if you calm down, you’ll be happy. If you don’t, you won’t. So go home, calm down, and enjoy it. If you don’t stop to do that, life will never be more than a journey toward death.” With that, he closed the door, and she was left as she began, standing lonely and confused on a front porch off the side of the highway.
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