Happy Harrison #5

"Can you tell me again why am I doing this?"

"Beats me, sir. Your next appointment is here."

"Thanks, send them in."

I’ve been told I’m nuts and I’m beginning to believe it. There is no reason to go through this process. I mean, we’re not even entirely sure it will have any bearing on how we land when we’re born. I guess I joined an exclusive club when I rented this office space and started these interviews. Not that it’s necessarily a club other souls care to get into. It’s a lot of effort and most people I know just aren’t willing to go through it.

Cheryl buzzed in my two thirty.

"Bud and Carol Janzlewki?"

"That’s us, haha. How ya doin’, pal?"

"Well. Very well. You know, since I have ever been born or had any life experiences or suffered in any way. You know."

A pause.

"Come again?"

"I’m sorry. You’re not from Cleveland, are you? I’ve already seen two couples from Cleveland in the last week and …" What else could I say?

"Nah, we’re the Janzlewskis of Pittsburgh. Benedict and Carol. You can call me Bud. Everybody does."

"I’m sure they do. Look, I’ll be honest, folks, I don’t know how this will work out. I’m sure you’re excited because it’s a novel opportunity, but what I’m discovering is that there is a reason no one does things this way. Maybe I didn’t have a clue what things are like down there or something, but it has become clear to me that I don’t have any sort of proper criterion for choosing to whom I’ll be born. And ultimately, I still haven’t received any response from Higher Up concerning my request to license this whole venture, so this conversation could be moot."

They shared a heart-breakingly pathetic glance at each other.

"Alright." I sighed. "Bud, Carol, let’s just make this simple. Why don’t you tell me … uh, why don’t you tell me how you see my life with you unfolding."

"Well, Pal, uh—you see, we do pretty well. We’re not terribly well off or anything, but we do alright."

"Sssh, Bud!" Carol cut in. "Don’t talk about money right off the bat!"

"Well Hon, he’s got to know the truth. I mean, we can’t send you to Princeton or nothing, but look, Pal, I want you to know we intend to rearrange our entire lives to make a safe and happy life for you."

"That’s the first thing everyone usually tells me."

"No, I’m serious. Carol here is in real estate, and she’s had her eye on this little acreage down in Fayette County. It’s not too far from the city and good schools and whatnot. You won’t want for anything and I think you’ll like it out there. It’s quiet and peaceful and the big subdivision developers haven’t got their hands on the area yet."

"Okay, I’m not sure I follow you yet, Bud."

"I know you haven’t seen it yet, but Earth, the earth is a neat place, Pal. I want you to see how beautiful it is before it gets warmed up too much or spoiled or blown up. I don’t see much scenery up here and I guess you can always see God day in and day out, but there’s just something amazing you’ve got to see about the world down there. While you’re growing up, we plan to take you all over the place, as much as we can, anyway. Mountains, deserts, oceans, forests. It’s beautiful."

"That’s good to know, Bud, but this place here is a realm of timeless peace and beauty. Nirvana. And as you said, the Almighty Whomever’s office is always a hop, skip and a jump away. All this beauty aside, to my understanding, there’s also quite a bit to be desired down there, as well. What do you propose to do about that?"

Carol spoke up, "It seems to me that you are looking for something different, something exceptional in life. And maybe we can and maybe we can’t offer you that. When we saw your ad, though, it spoke to me. Saying, here is a soul with some baggage. And I thought to myself, ‘I bet all he needs is some love’."

At this point I wish I had some eyes so I could roll them. "Baggage?"

"Yes, Nick. Can I call you Nick? That’s what we’d name you."

"For the moment. Let me tell you about my ‘baggage’, Carol. Two blocks from here is the offices of the Bureau of the Martyrs. I have to pass by every day on my way here. And while I’m not really allowed to talk to those who’ve been down there already, I overhear all sorts of conversations from those waiting in line to receive their benefits. ‘I got filled with arrows in the Amazon while trying to proselytize the natives and I have yet to see my crown.’ And ‘You think that’s bad, I blew myself up in a nightclub and only to find out that not only do I not get seventy-two virgins, my visa to paradise has been suspended until further notice. Can you believe that?’ And then there’s the poor sap who has been reincarnated 4,378 times and only just made his way back up to humanity after spending a couple of millennia repeatedly going back as some protozoan."

The Janzlewskis just blinked at me. "Well I don’t know about all that, Nick. We’re Christians."

"Great. Who knows, maybe I am, too. J. Christ and Associates have offices two floors up, but I’ve never met any of them."

"Well one of the first things we’ll do after you’re born is have you baptized."

"I’m sure J. is a fine gentleman, but I don’t really think I’d fit in with that crowd. They seem a stuffy bunch. Anyway, thanks for coming in. Bud, Carol, it’s been lovely meeting with you, but I don’t think it’s going to work out. Thank you. Cheryl will show you out."

"But we didn’t tell you about the dog! Or piano lessons, or the pool! It’s above ground, but it’s really nice, I swear!"

"Thank you, folks; that will be all. Cheryl?"

Cheryl rather forcefully showed the Janslewski out of the office. Bud had gone pale and Carol was getting hysterical, "But I’ve been taking all these fertility drugs! And praying so hard!"

After a moment or two, Cheryl poked her head back through my door.

"Your three o’clock is here early. Want to see them?"

"God, Cheryl, I don’t know if I can. Uh, what do they look like?"

"Kind of like hippies. Cute, though."

"They aren’t from Pittsburgh, are they?"

"No, Saint Louis."

"Hmmn. The U.S. seems a little overrepresented this week."

"You threw that fit after meeting with that lovely couple from Mumbai last Thursday, remember?"

"Honestly, no. Never mind. Send them in. What’s the name?"

"Harrison."